thoughts on envy, control, and gratitude ๐ญ
happy solar return to me! ๐ซ 28th birthday notes ... ๐
June 17, 2024
Itโs my birthday! (I can cry if I want to. ๐ญ๐)
This year, 28 feels like 28. For the past three years, I've operated under the notion of mentally being 25. The pandemic is partially to blame for that train of thinking, but now, as Iโm officially two years from 30, my focus has been on balancing intentionality and light-heartedness.
Iโm not convinced that I have to have my life together by 30, but I do hope to feel more comfortable with my thoughts and decisions.
Thoughts on Envy
Starting off really strong with my embarrassing (and recovering) addiction to envy. Much like misery, it also loves company. At least when youโre still thinking about it in a negative way. However, Iโve started to be real with myself and ask the introspective question, โWhat is this envy trying to tell me?โ โฌ (Watch video pls.)
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Itโs true that I am often envious of someone or something because a part of me wishes I had their perceived freedom, financial status, physicality, career, etc.
Life doesnโt work as a zero-sum game, and maybe an abundance mindset is the answer. But, to a certain extent, doesnโt society reward those it is set up to reward? Thatโs a part I struggle with. Yes, it is possible for me to integrate practices into my life that will put me in a position to have the things I was once envious of. But the journey will never be equal. For anyone.
I guess the Socratic method comes into play here as well. Are the things weโre envious of mostly surface-level? Or do all roads lead back to insecurities and vision boards?
Regardless, Iโm practicing the act of getting to the root of my envy when it arises without assigning shame to it.
Thoughts on Control (or lack thereof)
Whatโs interesting about the people-pleaser and anxiety-ridden parts of me is that the symptoms usually come from wanting to control how other people are reacting and feeling. Through tone of voice and body language, I learned to read emotions when I was quite young. Making my task as an adult to allow others to be and feel whatever they need to, even if itโs not positive.
In the last year, however, this transformed from control for the sake of others to control over myself.
Yes, we have autonomy, so technically, we do control ourselves. But I believe our thoughts create our reality. What I find curious is that if those thoughts operate under stress, we lose a certain level of autonomy.
I have been battling a sense of security for months now because I have closely witnessed it being swept from under someone I deeply love.
It made me afraid, skeptical, and pessimistic about my health, my relationships, and my life.
Then, I realized my fear of loss is created by the acknowledgment that I am grateful for what I have. But I donโt wish to operate under the control of fear. Because that means I either (1) live in the past, examining each decision and unanswered question, or (2) live in the future, afraid of what will change and if Iโll be able to survive it. Neither of these allows me to be present, and they both assume the worst.
โIf you obsess over whether you are making the right decision, you are basically assuming that the universe will reward you for one thing and punish you for another.
The universe has no fixed agenda. Once you make any decision, it works around that decision. There is no right or wrong, only a series of possibilities that shift with each thought, feeling, and action that you experience.โ(Deepak Chopra, 2005)
What if itโs not that serious? What if one day it is? What if I live under the assumption that I canโt control what happens to me, but I can control how I react?
/Cut to my mom and me in a dark Houston hotel room, post my momโs first chemo treatment, and I get a phone call from a bestie about a totally different matter. Iโm not even a second into the FaceTime and sheโs exclaiming, โLord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference!โ/
(Itโs funny because it was not said in earnest. Weโre just from the south.)
All to say, shitโs gonna happen.
If you are vulnerable enough in this lifetime, youโll unfortunately experience anger, betrayal, guilt, heartbreak, and wishful thinking. But youโll also probably experience a superiority complex (in some form or fashion), ignorance, greed, superficiality, or envy. It all exists because so does love, kindness, joy, wonder, and peace.
Recently, I have learned that tough events in my life have affected my mentality. But I take note when I begin to let them control me in ways that do not serve me or those I love. Thereโs one thing I am coming to know and accept: if I practice self-love and acceptance at the level of undisrupted peace. Whether through respect, confidence, patience, etc. Others will meet there โฆ or they wonโt. But I canโt let their decisions or actions dictate the balance scale of my self-regulation.
Thoughts on Gratitude
So, when I think of gratitude, I struggle with where to lay my altar.
God? The universe? Every version of myself that exists? My supportive loved ones? Mother nature? All the above?
Iโm not sure I have the answer to this yet. But I do know that the practice of gratitude is powerful. It could be the mindset it creates inside of us, the cosmos altering, or my grandpa listening from beyond.
Recently, I feel like itโs been the written word. Journaling. Lighting a candle. Opening a window. Dancing.
โโฆ itโs like applied gratefulness. What- the only question I struggle with, because Iโve had a journey with like, all sorts of you know, faith and stuff like that, and how I think about it, how I approach it, how I practice it. Who I pray to, what I pray to, what I pray for. What I reject. There was a time in my life I would have, you know, if there was a heaven, I would have set fire to it. You know what I mean? At the same time, I think the only hard question I get is that, who do I direct my gratefulness? Or to what do I direct my gratefulness to for living this life?โ
(Andrew Hozier Byrne, 2023)
(Iโve linked the above quote to the exact second below. โฌ)
I hope I havenโt scared you with this kind of intense deep talk session. Maybe this is what 28 is babayyy! Introspection, acceptance, and evolution.
Or maybe itโs life?
โYou could be the master of your fate and you could be the captain of your soul. But you have to realize that life is coming from you and not at you, and that takes time.โ
Somehow you answered all of the questions I've been filling my mind with... or at least I don't feel as alone knowing others share the same thoughts. You're wise beyond your years and I'm so grateful to have you as a role model in all things writing, self-love, acceptance. You hone in on both the beauty and hardship that comes with being a woman, and somehow it feels a little less scary to face now. Happy birthday, Mariah <3 Once again, your words have the power to change lives for the better.
So many words of wisdom in this. You have a good head on your shoulders and one of the strongest hearts I know. Cheers to another year around the sun! Also I distinctly remember that FaceTime and love that that was essentially your momโs introduction to me ๐ and that that could lighten the load of that day a bit too. ๐ฉต